Saying NO

She hardly says no. She was brought up in a way that she should not hurt other people. Rather this is her personal choice not to turn down people and not to make people disappointed but make everyone pleased. Having this attitude, she never turns people down abruptly. She’d rather do it in a subtle, less upsetting way.

When she was in her first year in college, there came her very first serious suitor, which unfortunately was not favorable for her. Childlike at heart, she never knew how to handle this. Once, the suitor told her that he will pick her up after her last class. She didn’t what to do. She was actually in panic. What she did was to literally hide from the suitor. Right after History class, good thing that the professor released the class 10 minutes before the official dismissal, she grabbed her friend immediately and asked her to bring her wherever she wants as long as they don't stay in that building. Willing to play along, the friend pulled her out the building and went to the Ladies’ Dormitory where the friend stays. They didn’t ride the jeepney but they walked a long way around the campus, which is not the normal way of going from the History class building to the dormitory. It was a long and tiring way but it is the only way to hide and get rid of the objectionable suitor. The suitor never showed up again, nor he did become persistent again. For her, at that young age, it was the most pleasant way to turn a person down.

For years, she had many funny experiences similar to those… not only about suitors but also about practical situations in life when she hardly says no. This is only one of the anecdotes that she cherishes---stories that happened in her life that she would love to share to people.

Two decades have passed. She has gone through ups and downs of life. She has matured and learned how to handle more serious decisions in life. Can she now say no? Does she say it in a subtle way or in an impolite way?

Once in her life she lived in a faraway place, living all alone. She does all stuff by herself. She was very independent, not even having a clique of people to go out with. She enjoyed her solitude. She wanted to do everything alone. She rather wanted to be alone rather than talk with people whom she sometimes feels would just be a waste of time to get to know them. The introvert in her ruled and she got pleasure from it.

Her activities were so routine---work on Mondays to Fridays, communication through web with her family during the weekends, church visit and supermarket errands on either Saturdays and Sundays. For months, it was the same thing over and over, not unless of course if she needed to travel or do some other special stuff during the weekends.

One sunny Sunday, she visited the church and planned to buy some stuff in the supermarket afterwards. Enjoying her time alone, she decided to walk around the shopping center first before going to the supermarket. She enjoyed the cool breeze that gently blew onto her face and hair. She enjoyed looking at the items in shops which might be interesting for her. As she had her long enough walk to almost the farthest part of the alley, she turned back so she could see the stuff on the other side of the pathway. Suddenly, someone spoke from her back. Not understanding much about the local language, she ignored the voice. Then the voice spoke again, this time the voice came from almost beside her. Aware that she was in another country without knowing a non-English-speaking person in that area, she again tried not to pay attention to the voice. She kept on walking when a man overtook her walking, stopped in front of her, smiled, looked into her face and said “Hi! You speak English? Can I talk to you?”

She saw the man. He was about 5’7” in height, fair skinned, slightly wavy hair but clean cut. For her, the features are quite similar to fair-skinned Asians, the place where she came from---a Singaporean or Malaysian, she thought. He was wearing a royal blue jacket and typical blue street jeans. Now that he speaks English and that the man already confronted her, she had no choice but to respond. She then answered, “Ok, yes. What can I do for you?” but she never looked into his eyes. She still had hesitations on trusting this man.

“You know, I saw you before in the library. You know the library?” he said.

Knowing that she had never ever been inside, not even near, a library in that faraway place, she thought that this man had just made a mistake. She had a weird thinking if somebody might just looked like her despite the fact that her features is not common in this area. Asians have definitely different features than Europeans, thus there is a very low probability coincidence that she might look like somebody else.

“Huh? I have never been to the library before. Maybe it was not me,” she replied. Then she kept on walking and the man walked with her.

“No, it was you! I saw you in the library and it was after church that I saw you,” he insisted.

“Church”---it rang a bell for her. She usually visits the Church on Sundays, not to hear mass but just to pray. Hearing mass is useless because the service is in the local language which she doesn’t understand. If this man is talking about church, he might have seen her in the church which could mean that this man can somehow be trusted. Still, there are uncertainties playing around her mind.

“Oh really?” was her short reply. Those were the only words that came out of her mouth as her mind was busy thinking how this man knew her.

“Yes, yes! So where did you come from?” that was his seemingly excited response. They were walking down the corridor then. She actually did not clearly understand all the words that he was saying. He seemed to murmur when he talks and he pronounced some words differently.

“I come from the Philippines, and you?” she said. Somewhere in the conversation he asked her name and she told it. He shook hands with her as he introduced himself but she never remembered his name. She is poor with names, by the way.

“I come from Turkey. I am a student.” He said as they continued walking towards the supermarket where she planned to go and buy some stuff. “You know what, I saw you in the library before,” he repeated. “I wanted to talk to you but I never had a chance.”

“Really? When was that?” she replied, still getting confused how come he saw her in the library.

“About 2 or 3 –ears ago,” he replied murmuring words that she did not understand clearly. He seemed not so good in speaking English.

“Two or three years ago?! But I am just new here,” she exclaimed as she is definitely sure that she has only been in that faraway place for 2 months.

“No, no! Two or 3 weeks ago,” He replied while they were walking.

“Oh really? I have not been in that library before. Maybe it is not me,” she told him, still insisting that she had not met him before.

“No, it was you. I am sure. Do you know where the library is? Come, I will show you,” he said. Still hesitant about the library thing, getting a hunch that she might be in trouble but at the same time still trying to have a gut feel if this man can be trusted or not, she kept on walking with the man and asked, “What will you do in the library? I will go to the supermarket.”

“I need to get some books. I am a student. If you could come with me and I will show you where the library is,” he muttered.

Not knowing what to say, and realizing that she is not talking to a stranger which she never ever did in this faraway place, she just agreed.

As they walked the man said, “You know what, you are a very gorgeous lady and I really, really like you!”

At this point, she got a good hint. She thought she in trouble and she‘s trying to find ways how escape from the situation. Should she be rude just to get rid of this man? Should she say it in a nice way? She hardly says no and she does not want to hurt people’s feelings. At the same time, she is with a stranger in a strange place. What if she acts rude and the man acts back impolitely? All these question juggle into her mind. She responded nothing but a poker face without looking at him.

Trying to find ways to get rid of him, she was about to have a chance when the man suddenly was about to turn left but she wanted to go straight to the supermarket so they both discontinued walking. “The library is this way,” he said.

“But I need to go to the supermarket. I need to go home in a while so I can talk with my family,” she replied as she try to make excuses trying subtle ways on how to get rid of the man.

Quite disappointed, “What time to you need to be home, if you don’t mind?” he uttered. She looked at her watch. It’s 2:30 PM. She was thinking hard how to escape. She tried to estimate the time she will spend in the supermarket. “About 3:30 maybe,” she replied.

She saw him making plans on his mind. “What if we go to the supermarket then we go to the library afterwards? Or I will go to the library and then I will see you in the supermarket. Or let’s go to the library first then we go to the supermarket. We still have 1 hour,” he said.

Thinking about the options but is still panicking, she just said ‘ok’ and he interpreted it as the last option was chosen. “Great! Here, this way!” he said as he led her to the left, going to the library he was talking about.

Thinking of plans to escape, she just followed. While walking continuously, “So do you live alone?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied without elaborating anything and to make conversations short.

“I also live alone,” he muttered. In her mind, she was thinking “Who cares if you live alone? I need to get rid of you.”

“So are you enjoying Holland?” he asked curiously.

Trying to be impolite this time, she said “No!” She was really not that kind of person to be rude but her safety is at stake this time.

“Why?”he asked.

Frankly, she said, ”Because I have my family left in my country. I don't want to stay here without them.”

“So you are married?” he said with a hint of frustration.

“YES!” she proudly answered, trying to emphasize on the words she said.

“And you have kids?” he continuously asked.

“Yes, I have two,” she arrogantly replied, thinking what the difference would be if she had children or not.

This time, he paused for a while but continuously asked. “You know, I really, really like you the first time I saw you. So what do you think about me?”

She started to get pissed off. She was thinking if this man is so aloof, if is he crazy or is it just a part in cultural differences. She felt she was being courted by a man whom she met just a few minutes ago and that now, he is immediately asking for an answer after a few minutes of meeting and a few minutes of courting.

Trying to end the conversation soon, she replied “What I think about you? Nothing!” as she really does not think of anything good for him at all. Instead of saying bad things about him, she believed that saying nothing at all about him would be better.

There was a long pause. As they continued walking, he asked again, “Do you want a drink? --- coffee or tea?”

“No,” she replied instantaneously.

“Why?” he asked, trying to make the conversation longer.

“I am still full,” she replied. She was really not craving for any drink at all but she was also very cautious at the same time. 

Walking continuously, they are about to cross the main road as they had walked farther enough. She already was planning something on her mind. She knew she was in trouble with this pertinacious stranger. She was actually trying to recall where the police station was as the area where they were heading to is near the municipal hall where the police station is nearly located. She tried to look around checking at people and making sure that there are lots of people around who can help her just in case this man does something unfavorable to her. At least, she can easily be heard when she shouts.

When they were on the other side of the road, he immediately crossed to the other side perpendicular to the first road they crossed. She did not cross at once for 2 reasons. First, there was a car coming and she was thankful that the car gave her a chance to stop walking. Second is that he really wanted to walk slow to somehow get rid of the man. However, when the man looked back and saw her left of the other side of the road, he stopped walking and waited for her to cross the road.

When she reached the other side of the road, the series of questions came again as they continued walking. “Are you free tomorrow?” he again started asking.

She replied a straight, “No.” She was very impolite this time.

“Why?” He persistently asked.

“I have work,” she replied. The truth is she will have a business travel the following day but she didn’t want to elaborate about it.

“Until 5?” he continuously asked.

“Yes.” She replied, just to cut off the conversation.

“So, can I give you a ring instead?” he again asked.

She was so startled about the series of questions the man gives her. In her mind, she was asking herself when will these questions end. Instantly, “No,” was her frank answer.

Persistently he asked, “Why?”

“I am busy,” she said trying to cut the conversation.

Then he uttered an affirmation, “Oh, so you are always busy!” but this time, she tried to shift the topic.

She just realized that they have walked a a long way, far from where they came from. “Is it still far?” she asked.

“Not too far but we’re almost there,” was his reply as he pointed his finger somewhere straight ahead.

This time, she got a good excuse. “I think it is still far. I need to go!” she insisted.

He stopped walking. With a disappointed face, he uttered “Oh, you need to go? Ok then. Nice meeting you,” as he tried to reach out his hand for a shake.

She extended hers as a sign of courteousy, well in fact she was already pissed off.

“Nice meeting you as well,” she said as she turned her back afterwards.

Very conscious about it, she tried to look back from time to time if the man tried to follow her as she returns to area where they came met. She has a feeling that the man was following her but good thing he wasn’t. She didn't change her route. She went back to the place where they came from. She did not go straight home as the man might follow her. She went back to the area on the way to the supermarket where she told that man that she was about to go. When she was sure that the man was not following her, she did not proceed to the supermarket as the man might come back and look for her there. She went inside the shops first, walked around, tried to do window shopping just to kill her time and escape from the stranger. She did buy her stuff in another shop instead of going to the big supermarket. These things she did just to be sure that she was safe.

On the way home, she was paranoid. She walked very slowly as she tried to looked every person surrounding her. On the way towards the building, she was very cautious if somebody is staring at her. She always tried to look back---literally look from behind her. Even after entering the double-security door in her apartment lobby, she tried to look out if somebody is looking or spying at her. She pressed the elevator ‘UP’ button. The door elevator opened and she went inside with her back first, still trying to look outside the glass door. She never let her eyes look other ways except outside through the glass door, until the elevator finally closed and lifted her up the 31st floor. When the elevator stopped and the door opened, she was even thinking that the man may be standing right beside her apartment door. Paranoid, she was and it was a very creepy feeling for her.

The good thing is that, she was safely home. Trying to be rude can sometimes bring her to the right path. Learning from this experience, she now manages that saying “NO” will never be an issue as long as it is being used at the right place and at the right time!

---maron---

20:27hrs

06feb2014

rotterdam